


depression with a side of bulimia

by philtheultimate



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Character Death, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gay, M/M, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-05 15:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20491307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philtheultimate/pseuds/philtheultimate
Summary: dan howell eats nothing because putting two fingers down his throat tastes better than the guilt after eating.hi, my name is ali. thank you to anyone that reads this <3 this story is just an experiment of my thoughts.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ciara <3](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ciara+%26lt%3B3).

Dan Howell eats <strike>nothing</strike> because putting two fingers down his throat tastes better than the guilt after eating.

Bulimia: an emotional disorder involving distortion of body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, in which bouts of extreme overeating are followed by depression and self-induced vomiting, purging, or fasting.

Phil Lester left so long ago because Dan Howell eats nothing because putting two fingers down his throat tastes better than the guilt after eating.

phil lester left so long ago. dan stopped counting the days that went by.

Dan lies on the floor in the bathroom. hours go by. days go by. but Phil Lester never stops by.

he never calls.

I mean why would he call?

because dan howell eats nothing because putting two fingers down his throat tastes better than the guilt after eating.

I wonder what three fingers could do? He thinks this to himself quietly as he shoves his three fingers into his throat. gag. gag. gag. It's all worth it in the end. why wouldn't it be? Dan Howell lies on the floor in the bathroom. Gag. Gag. Gag.

dan howell can feel the cold tile beneath his chest.

cold. cold. cold.  
but it's worth it.


	2. vodka

dan howell drinks because it makes him feel better. dan howell drinks because it makes him happy. dan howell drinks to forget about depression with a side of bulimia. oh and don’t forget to throw it up after. 

dan smells of cheap vodka and cigarettes. 

oh and cigarettes too. cigarettes. cigarettes. cigarettes. the calming antidepressant. the one he actually fucking takes. 

dan’s psychiatrist tells him he should stop making himself throw up, take his medicine, and should’ve been a better husband.

“no wonder nobody fucking likes you,” phil says to dan.

this was one of their most heated arguments yet. the one that caused phil to leave for good. 

“well it’s not my fault you’re a fucking psycopath who makes himself vomit after eating,”

NEVER say this to someone with bulimia  
NEVER eat  
it’s worth it to be skinny,

worth it. worth it . worth it. 

worth it like all the stars in the sky. worth it.

will you still love me when i’m no longer young and skinny?

no. no .no. no

never. 

it all started with dan’s doctor telling him he was overweight at 14 years old. 14. 14. 14. isn’t that too young to be shoving your fingers down your throat? nobody gives a shit. shit. shit. shit like the diet he started. shit like him and phil lester’s relationship. 

shit like living.


	3. ward

he wakes up in the ward. over. over. and over. he’s used to it. he’s used to the crisp air across his cheeks. he used to it. he used to the banging on the windows. he’s used to the daily codes. he’s used to it. after all it’s home. 

our hero dan wakes up in a cold sweat. he’s just had another dream of phil. his ex lover. “i’ve forgotten what you’ve done for me.” he thinks. i just want to hold you. i just want to exist with you. i just want to be the creation of adam. the way we used to…

“morning dan,” he hears a nurse say.  
“we’re here to do your daily bloodwork.”

he fucking dreads it. he dreads it. he fucking hates this place. yet it’s the only place he wants to be. he fucking hates it here. 

“your breakfast is here, we expect you to eat mr. howell.”

he smiles lightly. smile? 

inhale. exhale. shaking. cold. bitter. hungry. 

of course he eats it. he eats every last bite. he crawls to the bathroom and lies on the floor. the tile is pressed against his cheeks. he thinks about he doesn’t believe in god anymore. phil was his god. his fucking god. he believed in phil. he believed in michealangelo. 

he thought of the beautiful creation of adam. that’s who he fucking was. he was adam reaching for phil. 

he was always reaching for phil. reaching. reaching. lost.

he does it. he always will. he'll never stop. it's an addiction. purging. 

he can't stop now, i've come so far. 

i miss my darling.

he's gone.

where is he?

dead.


End file.
